i have no right

well
just suddenly feel like writing using english
a feeling i have recently
it's so hard yet so recalling my memory

though its been a long time i haven't met this situation
but it still the same
my heart wrenches whenever i think of it
history repeated on its own
no matter how i avoid it
i prevent myself from love at the first sight
but here comes the love along the period

but somehow
a new feeling is born in my heart
instead of feeling
it is more a like a thinking

i dont know since when
i told myself
i never deserve to love anyone
being one of the impurities among the purest
my existence in relationship is worthless
so thats why
since i dont deserve to love
i dont deserve to have the pain
like someone else
i have no right to say i like someone
i have no right to say i was in pain
because from the start till the end
i never be the main character

i always ask people
not to cry over someone
not to regret for a certain love feeling
but human is so unpredictable
i cant control myself with my very own words
i cry when i ask myself not to cry
i love when i ask myself not to love

lately
i've been thinking something really complicated
whenever i accidentally fall into a hard feeling
i always stare at the wall
whenever i touch the wall
whenever i punch the wall
i remind myself
i have no right to have this kind of feeling
in the view of myself
it might be very important
but in the view of society
it's a shame

for friends
for family
and for myself
my love though just like anyone's
but the difference is
my love is not as worth as others
neither being loved nor loving people
even i cant stop myself from loving people
i may still keep in my heart
though i will still share with some of my friend
but i will never try to succeed it